So, I was thinking about how life is generally pretty good for me. I mean, sure--I've got challenges and struggles and daily mantras and momentary slips and things I need to do better and stop doing and start doing. But, on balance, I have THE life. You know, the one that Americans are supposed to have. I have a great job and income (because I worked for it), healthy family (because they lucked into some kick-ass genes). Plus, I'm also white, so that helps a lot in America. I now have a great house. And, I love my family, near and far. So, what is the problem?
Well, there are the glass-half-empty people, and the glass-half-full people. And, then there is me: the bring-an-umbrella-so-it-won't-rain person. I'm not exactly a pessimist, I'm just sort of living my very abundant life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I fear that if I just live my life and don't do something or have something to balance out the "good," the universe will balance it out for me. It is like a superstition, but about everything.
For example, being told I was about to receive a bonus and a raise yesterday did not make me excited. Well, it did, but only for a moment. I had to interrupt that moment to then be afraid. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but that's what I do. I stop and freak out that something bad will happen. That it must happen, actually. So, I have developed this little trick, you see, to sort of fool the Universe. I have found a loophole of sorts. What I do is I start to think about the not-perfect things in my life, dwell on those (always fun), and sort of try to make a deal with the Universe (or with the part of me that jinxes things), that the good thing that just happened (in this case, the raise/bonus) is actually itself the necessary course correction for the already-existing not-great stuff. So, as you can see, no need to balance, Mr. Universe. MmmK? You can move on. Ba-bye.
And, then today, I got to thinking. I guess that means I live in fear. I fear good things, and when I get them, I fear the bad that must result. This is probably linked to why I don't like change. The status quo is my friend. No news is good news because it means I'm in balance. But, just barely.
Well, then I started to be really hard on myself for living in fear when so many people have ACTUAL things to be afraid of. As we speak, people are actually DYING from flash flooding just miles from me! I mean, whothehell am I to be living in FEAR. That is BAD. As Yoda explained, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the Dark Side. Translation: DO NOT FEAR. Living in fear is just not something on people's to-do lists. In fact, it is right up there on their to-don't lists. So, then I start to fear the fact that I'm fearing. So, I'm all, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself." Except, for me it is, "I have nothing to fear but fear itself, and I got a looooot of fear." AAaaaak!
But, hold on there. Let's examine the main premise here. Fear is bad. Right. Duh. But, WHY? Why is it bad that I live in fear? As I mentioned, I'm living the life of Riley over hear. So, yeah--I live in fear. But, I'm pretty content. Not that being content alone makes it GOOD to live in fear. After all, the ends don't justify the means. Which is to say that fear cannot be considered bad solely for what happens after the fear, just like it isn't good just because I am happy. So, fear also cannot be bad just because it eventually leads to the Dark Side, Yoda. Sorry, I believe too strongly that the means cannot be justified by those ends. So, somehow, we have decided fear is inherently bad.
Wait. Whaaaa???? My brain is exploding. Who decided on what basis that fear is inherently "bad"? And, for that matter, who decided ANYTHING is BAD? Maybe it is good. Maybe it just IS. Maybe humans just need to have a challenge and a struggle in life in order to go on; in order to give their lives meaning and purpose. Maybe fear is a necessary part of that.
Am I right? (That's rhetorical. Of course I'm right.) :)
And, now I'm also angry. Because I've bought into the "fear is bad" thing for so long.
So, I guess that Yoda did know what he was talking about. I guess suffering is next. Or, did this take care of that for you?
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