What would you say to a 5th grader who feels uncomfortable at (public) school around kids who believe in God--and talk about it--when he does not?
Well, not all of us are as eloquent and thoughtful as you. I started out completely misunderstanding. I thought he was being intolerant of their beliefs. So, I asked him to think about why he even cared. I mean, if they said they believed aliens were on the roof dressed as rabbits, you would not care. You might be concerned or laugh, but you wouldn't be outraged and frustrated. "Because they say there's something wrong with me because I don't go to church."
Wait. WHAT?!!!!! They say WHAT?!!! Oh, how I wanted to go back in time and appear in that moment so that I could, on behalf of my son and all other children and my childhood self, rip that kid to bits with a West Wing-esque cross examination of his "beliefs." But, my sobbing son was heart broken and lost (and, sadly, time travel isn't yet perfected). So, there I was, with his first really complex social and belief system confrontation. In 5th grade. At lunch. In public school. Wow.
Sometimes you don't realize a situation is a teaching moment, and you let it slip by. And, then again, sometimes a situation is so blatantly obviously a teaching moment you freak out, dig deep, and throw all irons in the fire, hoping you don't screw it up. I'll let you guess which one this was.
Lesson 1: Get some perspective. First, I asked for all the details. What the kids actually said ("you should go to church and pray before eating because God created everything"), in what context (at lunch just before digging in to his sacred pepperoni sandwich), with what tone (judgment, shock, condescension). What did he say in response ("no, God does not exist; you can't prove it"). Did he have other friends who didn't go to church (yes, all his best friends). All the facts. None of them helpful in guiding me to guide him.
Lesson 2: Figure out the goal. Next, I asked him what he wants to happen. Does he want them to stop believing in God? Does he want them just to stop talking about it? Does he want them not to judge him? What would make it better? (He wants them to stop talking about it as if it were true. And, he is upset the teachers allowed a student to make their campaign poster about Jesus, when they were specifically told it could not be about a fictional character.) Oy. Well, would he be comfortable with me talking to the teachers about this (specifically with his main teacher, who has proven to be the most amazing teacher on the planet)? No. He doesn't want to draw more attention to himself. Sigh.
Lesson 3: Extricate yourself. So, I asked if he could perhaps just walk away from the conversation if it gets uncomfortable. (It isn't fair that I have to get up and walk away. I want to eat my lunch.) Good point.
Lesson 4: Agree to disagree. What if he says, "You can't prove God exists. I can't prove that he doesn't. We each believe what we believe. Let's leave it at that and just not discuss it." (Maybe this would be ok. But, he doesn't think it will last beyond that one instance.) Right. Not exactly a long-term solution. But, there's progress here. Perhaps a coping mechanism that has the promise of working. Someday. When he's older, maybe.
Lesson 5: Let it go. If they were talking about aliens, it wouldn't bother you. That means that you're making it mean something, and that is what is causing you to be upset. You are in control of letting that go; of changing the meaning. And, only you. They cannot do that to you, nor can they take away that power. You will meet people in this world you will disagree with and who will push your buttons. You will need to have space in your heart and enough comfort in your own beliefs to allow them to believe what they need to without you being threatened by this. Their existence is good for you, if for no other reason than to help you revisit and tweak and validate your own beliefs. They are as entitled to their beliefs as you are to yours. Remind yourself of this fact when you want to silence them, correct them, shun them, or allow them to hurt you.
Lesson 6: If all else fails, your mother has your back. I will do whatever it takes. I will help you talk to them, I will talk with teachers, I will fight, I will be silent, I will listen, I will read, I will take you to others who can help you navigate your beliefs, I will even take you to church or synagogue or temple. Whatever you need, I am here to help you obtain it. Use me. I'm good for it.
And, here I thought the difficult parenting thing was coming to an end. God help me.
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