Women Who Work (Themselves into a Frenzy Over Whether to Work)

I am a department head of a fast-growing company, with employees spanning 20 states.  But, I work in a relatively small office with mostly women.  The woman I consider my right hand (hereinafter "RH"), just gave her notice.  She is going to stay home with her kids.  

It was a difficult decision for her, not the least of which because she loves her job.  But, because she can do this (financially) and because she recently went through daycare issues and because she thinks it's good for her kids, she has made the choice to stay home. 

She thought I'd be mad (which is odd, given that she gave 7 weeks' notice); but, instead, I am sort of sad. 
 
By happenstance, I am now listening to a book on my (very short) commute by the current CEO of Facebook (Sheryl Sandberg) entitled "Lean In."  It's basically a feminist-y manifesto about women in the workplace.  So far the gist is that, while she supports women who choose not to work, she's disappointed in the women who choose to work because we rarely strive to be the best in our field or the top of the hierarchy or to keep pushing ourselves for more (unlike men).  And, she thinks that until there are more women in powerful positions, nothing will change for women because there won't be anyone in those positions to make that change.  It's a chicken-and-the-egg thing, but it makes sense to me.  From her vantage point, working women tend to take the easy road to a fulfilling "enough" career and make excuses to shy away from things that are outside our comfort zones--precisely when we should LEAN IN to the challenge.  

So, I've had these whispers in my ear to and from work, daycare, and the grocery store for the past week all about the importance of my redoubling my efforts at--and my commitment to--my work.  And, to basically stop being lazy just because I'm well-paid in a job that I enjoy.  So, I decided to lean in to something I was resisting in part because of fear.  [FYI, for those of you who are new to ME, if I am "leaning in" it means that I am taking over.]  

I called a phone meeting to discuss a project that is important to the company's continued growth, but which has been sort of flailing in its infancy from an organization/project management standpoint.  During the call (which I attended from my home because I was with my sick, but sleeping, son that day), I had a moment of clarity. I announced to even my own surprise, "I think we're all in agreement this isn't working.  So, I am going to take it over now and we'll see how that goes."  And, although nobody was doing cartwheels (ok, fine--it was a phone meeting, so I guess it is POSSIBLE someone did a cartwheel, but doubtful), nobody really disagreed.  And, I must say, it felt good.  

But, part of why the timing was right was because I had RH doing a lot of the work I'd normally do.  Doh!  

So, here I am, having to prepare for a blow to my resources while also taking on a huge project I wasn't sure about to begin with because the Facebook leader guilted me to (sort of).  

Yet, despite the unfortunate timing that is going to be a challenge to resolve, where I am stuck is that I am sad.  When RH told me--through tears--that although she had a job she loves, she's making the choice stay home with her kids, I was sad.  Not sad for her AT ALL. I was sad that she won't be around anymore as part of my support system and I a part of hers; that I won't get to work with her on a daily basis anymore or share stories about the woes of being a working mom.  But, mostly I am sad that I did not make the same decision.  Not only that, I didn't even entertain the thought for a moment until recently, when my "baby" entered middle school and I race to get there before he gets home (where I continue to work).  I didn't think about it when he was little (well, we couldn't afford my staying home then, so maybe that's not a fair comparison).  I do not consider it now, when I have two young kids (I don't know who would go crazy first--my kids or me).  

I'm sad that I am leaning in to my work rather than my parenting.  It's ok.  I mean, I don't regret any of it.  No decision is the "right" one, so I can't get caught up in that nonsense.  But, if that's true, then no choice is the "wrong" one either.  That doesn't mean I can't mourn the road untraveled when it's highlighted for me like it was today.  I'll tell you something, though.  Boy, does it make me want to go full blast, pedal-to-the-medal on the road I am traveling!